In the background of everyday living, even when there is a smile, I’m holding deep sadness. What is happening in Gaza and other parts of the world where human beings are living in constant fear, threat, and starvation has brought light to human potential in the darkest way. To imagine those who are surviving a genocide against those who create stories to justify it – there exists a level of shock and horror that I pray no one will ever be able to tell a worse story, and no person or group will seek a corruption so horrific to surpass what we’re witnessing.
My sadness and grief, which I know is shared by many but certainly not by all, comes from an understanding that divisiveness, manipulation of truth, and crimes against humanity will happen, AND they won’t always be acknowledged. And worse, they’ll be twisted with sophisticated propaganda in order to keep curtains closed on deeper truths.
Stories we’ve been told from our history books, news stations, religious upbringing and even family and friends will tend to guide our perceptions and beliefs more than truth. Protecting ourselves from the questions whose answers may annoy us, frighten us, challenge us, disrupt us, will shape our level of tolerance. We can choose to not care about some things, because we do clearly care about other things. We might be willing to measure our discomfort on an ethical scale or we may have selected our perameters based on popular narratives versus deep self-inquiry. Cognitive dissonance will no longer seem odd, but will run parallel to having an organized, clean home with everything crammed and cluttered in the basement.
For context, I’ll note 3 main areas in my life where I’ve been consciously living with sadness while carrying on with life, some for many years, others more recent: 1. Awareness of being gay since kindergarten, 2. Becoming vegan for ethical reasons, and 3. Living life as a social entrepreneur and anti-Zionist Jew. Let me reframe these: I feel blessed that I’m gay, vegan, and an activist-entrepreneur! What I’ve learned is that this world isn’t naturally set up to welcome those of us who live outside the template that was created by a dominant voice based on supremacy. Our modern world isn’t designed to love everyone equally, support everyone unequivocally, or provide for everyone equitably.
It’s wild that the parts of me that feel unwaveringly true, are not what is celebrated in mainstream culture. And let me be sure to point out, I’m working hard to not go about this with a comparative, competitive, or self-centered mind, but to recognize the privilege I have of having lived the life I’m living. And some might say is a life missing certain material markers, like a significant partner, supportive and close-knit family, robust retirement plan, financial abundance. I’m truly not sure where this will get me, but somehow my priorities weren’t on some of the things most people focus on and yet I have a feeling of contentment even without those things. It is in having the life that I do that I can have compassion and empathy for others outside of the dominant culture and speak up and fight for Black justice, Trans rights, Palestinian liberation, and all who’ve been othered and marginalized with little to no representation. The pattern of abusive politics is blatantly clear at this point, but to me, so is our interdependence.
Is there a way to remain connected to our inner joy while we hold great sadness and despair for this material world? Even when I’m a proud vegan with a smile, to know why I’m a vegan means to hold a deep sadness of the ongoing, massive torture within our animal food industry. To be gay and joyful means to have succeeded in embracing the pain of our history and to accept the inevitable hate crimes that will continue. To celebrate my Judaism means to live with historical antisemitism along with effort to weaponize antisemitism for an ideology and genocide that are blatantly anti-Jewish. To be a social entrepreneur means to understand the trappings of capitalism yet to see the wisdom of creative, inventive problem solving.
The sadness I carry around from all the harm on this planet to humans, animals, and all sentient beings becomes channeled towards taking action for good. I do not speak up in order to seek revenge. I recognize the fire of my anger and take that as fuel for transformation so that the raw energy doesn’t also incinerate myself. Every action I can make where I do my best to not cause harm to someone else, including myself, becomes a ripple of hope that there is a way to live here and maintain joy and love for life. I may suffer in my business and material gain when I don’t choose to take advantage within our system of capitalism. But something in me stops and feels obligated to think differently and to lean into the discomfort. I’ll never forget when I learned that money is another form of energy, and it’s not inherently a material evil which my starving artist mind used to protest. It’s all in our relationship with it.
I think most of you know, I’m also living with great hope and joy. To know that more and more people are gaining awareness and increasing their care for humanity, animals and our planet feels inevitable. Whether from the growing storage of information at our fingertips with AI to us being forced to think differently when the pain of convenience impacts us, I trust there will be a new voice that will arise as a sensible voice for all. Simply to feel the shift in those who have become able and willing to now use the world genocide in Gaza who weren’t able to since October 7th, 2023, feels like important though frustratingly slow progress; something that has largely been kept hidden for decades is making it into the mainstream like never before. It’s a profound waking up from something that was claiming to be in support of Jewish safety. And the attempts to conflate the voices that are speaking up for Palestinian liberation with antisemitism lose all power when I align my Jewish values, Yogic philosophy, and tears for humanity with historical truth. Everything can get twisted and intertwined, but a consistent choice to raise compassion and empathy has only guided me towards feeling more clear of my place on this Earth. It’s all connected and though I have my own blindspots to manage, I’ve never felt so consistent with my mission of being on this planet.
Beyond this, there has been a profound journey to that which exists within me that is independent of all the fluctuations. Yoga practice, primarily the practice of Yogic meditation, has guided me to that changeless aspect of myself that exists within every being. I have sat many times in meditation and felt this experience. We have direct access to the Peace within. We can experience a happiness that isn’t connected with something temporary in the material world. To find that has actually been painful at times, because it comes with first grasping to the belief that happiness comes from a person, place, or thing that my hands can hold, or cling onto for dear life! But it has been in the letting go that I’ve found something that will never leave, will never let me down, and will always be a reference point that I know exists beyond all the harms of this illusory world. While I know I can’t live there, knowing there’s more than my eyes can see, is affirming. And this is the nature of Yogic and Buddhist philosophy.
I don’t feel at all like I have yet to reach capacity for accepting the full nature of this world. It’s a lot. I know that I cannot sustain this smile that constantly connects with my inner knowing. I simply know that whenever I see a smile, it inspires a smile in me and a sense that we are sharing something that we likely don’t even have all the words for. And I hope I can offer the same. This is the journey to the Peace and Joy, Love and Light that exist perpetually within. We just forget and do better when we’re reminded it’s there. That’s what I aim to do with every student, every client I teach…and every time I practice. And when I can remember this, a gentle smile lands on my face, even if briefly, connecting me with an inner knowing.
