Colorful street art on Market Street building in the Castro. Chaos or balance?
When you’ve learned how to do something really well, it often feels good to keep doing it. You’ve likely worked hard, it’s probably brought some form of reward and there’s satisfaction that comes from repeating it. And maybe what you learned to do was difficult and it comes with some form of overcoming. If it feels uplifting or grounding in some way, you’ll likely keep at it or it will lead you to the next thing. I think of many things I’ve done from learning to dance and becoming an artist, to organizing events and building a Yoga practice. I even reflect on when I learned to smoke cigarettes in my teens. The former examples are probably easier to picture how the learning might reach that place of joy and satisfaction. But smoking?
I recall how awful it tasted when I had my first puff around age 16. I worked past that stage, (which you do only by forcing yourself to keep doing it) because I was more interested in being able to smoke with my friends than to continue to be the non-smoker. It was also a form of rebellion that felt good to express as a teen. I got “really good” at smoking and was smoking over a pack a day in my twenties. Sometimes, what we become good at has a benefit, but it also causes harm. What once was helping me manage stress and help me feel part of my group was no longer helping. The picture of who I would be in the future wasn’t the one I wanted to live into. So in my late twenties, I slowed the pace to see how it would feel and finally quit 3 days before my 30th birthday. Something changed and I was ready to connect the dots to not just my physical health but also my mental health and well-being. I was hanging on to my pack of cigarettes because it felt like it was part of my identity. But in a complete reversal, I was ready to rebel against that notion. I now see that I felt a sort of superiority with other smokers and it satisfied a need, which included the “need” for nicotine or course. But I understood why I had started smoking, why I kept smoking, and I wasn’t that person anymore and was ready to move on.
Even more of a tricky path of getting good at something included where my behaviors and inability to process my feelings and identity led to addiction – a story that started in my pre-teens. As the story goes with addiction, it starts off with some form of a high that allows the mind/body to escape for a moment. But then you stop getting the high you want, and it becomes normalized in your system and you need more to keep the feeling going until “one is too many and a thousand is never enough” as folks in recovery share.
There are many who suffer from abusing something (substance, behavior; relationship to anything) who never find their bottom in the addiction cycle and life adjusts to accommodate the new you. I remember that feeling for years too. And it truly only becomes recognized as an addiction when the one who’s using runs into unmanageable conflict, whether physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. And that’s actually not an easy reality to get to when your drug of choice is culturally normalized. But if life is going well and in general, feels manageable and the path ahead feels open to reach your highest potential, then there’s no need to struggle or question. What a blessing for those who never get lost in addiction!
I feel blessed that I hit bottom when I was 31 after a breakup. It put me on a new course for waking up to the drama of life I’d been living for decades that I thought was my best life. But then I was able to see how actually depressing it was, how depressed I was. The walls finally came down during a session in my then therapist’s office where, for the first time, I shared about childhood experiences that lived in me as shame and diffused by acting out – a way of living that I was learning to normalize. That session was about 90% of me just crying my eyes out which was the release I truly needed. I give such thanks to that therapist who simply provided space for me to cry versus stepping in to change, fix or redirect me. It was a moment I became open to the next steps of adulthood where I went to my first 12-step meeting. I didn’t ever imagine that I’d step into one of “those rooms” having dated 3 guys in recovery where I was cleverly positioned as their rock (hello codependency!), but I can confidently say those rooms saved my life.
Happy earth rug by my bed :] Reminds me to be healthy and respect all people and our land!
This was also the time I started with a new therapist who introduced me to medicine journeys which opened my eyes and expanded my heart with greater self-love and compassion. This was the same time that my Yoga practice started and took off. It was the same time I had my most dramatic back injury during my dancing career and I thought, oh nice – THIS is my reward?! But it was also just the way it all needed to go for me to stop, review and realign, literally. A lot shifted in my thirties and some things I’ve retained and I feel a deep gratitude for all the hard work. Many things I still have to learn more about or find deeper acceptance around. But all in all, I feel wisdom moving forward from those years, guiding the way I understand and interpret the world to this very day.
What comes from being good at shaming and making fun of other people? What happens when what you’ve become good at is locking in personal and collective trauma? What if a story of victimhood dramatically shifts and you’re now the culprit? What happens when your political leaders perpetuate a divisive narrative and it’s been taught to you since childhood? What happens when a dominant voice becomes your voice, justifying harm to others as a way of life? What is it like to get a high off something even though you know it’s harmful but becomes socially acceptable? What happens when that behavior creates a feeling of invincibility? What happens if no one has confronted you and you keep being able to get a high from harming others, but as addiction goes, the harm done or covering for others’ harm creates numbness? Who are we when we keep blaming the other for doing exactly what we’re doing, only we hold dominion?
What becomes of someone when they live in a culture that advocates for the harm of others and are convinced they must become the aggressor else the other side will take away all you’ve gained? What happens when violence is equated with empowerment? Who are you when you’ve learned to degrade, torment, violate, ridicule, dehumanize, imprison and oppress people whom you’ve forced to be at a disadvantage? What does the world look like when we keep allowing ourselves to ignore the crises of massive disparities? What sort of world do we live in where billions of tax dollars are used for what some call defense for a favored nation while others see a genocide?
The answers are how I’ve been able to understand why a colonial power won’t stop and will test its boundaries in a world that mixes religion with imperialism and capitalism. It’s how I can understand the reasons many look away from truth and humanity and choose addiction or ignorance. It’s how I recognize the ability to kill one another because it’s possible to convince intelligent people to believe anything other than the golden rule: “What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow-man. This is the entire Law, all the rest is commentary” (Talmud, Shabbat 3id) It’s how I recognize religion can be as bendable as the truth. I see and understand how some live life as a game of revenge and others understand the path of coexistence starts with forgiveness. It’s how I’ve come to accept that some want to shame, silence and disgrace others, while some wish to do whatever they can to be heard when for decades their voices have been silenced.
It’s how I’ve understood that my Hebrew day school gave one version of a story that I now recognize the parts as Zionism versus Judaism. It’s how I’m coming to learn that the complicated part isn’t so much the history, it’s the fact that people will hold on to something they’ve become good at and their feel-good is overpowering and humiliating a besieged people. It’s how many people recognize war as addiction and that a pause might be a useful sobering moment but will deescalate the high that’s been going for over 100 years. It’s how I know that if I say Ceasefire now, it will inspire some folks to be supportive, in agreement with or even just curious. Or to others, it will create frustration, annoyance and generate ridicule, mockery and disregard this view that millions across the world are sharing. And I understand that’s just how things tend to go.
We’re missing out on life’s wonders everyday unless we remember to do something that signals respect for our collective journey. As we move into March and celebrate Women’s History Month amongst other recognitions, may we march for whatever helps us feel like we’re leaning into a more free and just world where some will see chaos, some will see balance. Sometimes we make strides by doing well and sometimes we make sure to rest for our well-being. May we use our right to vote, our voices to be heard and our bodies to be reminders of this brief time we have here together. We may never create a unified world of peace. And we won’t stand a chance unless we’re marching for our own liberation and the liberation of each other.
Let’s stay connected,
Marc
