Moving at the Speed of Life

“…then all seems luminous to me; a single word uncovers for my soul infinite horizons; perfection seems simple; I see that it is enough to recognize one’s nothingness and abandon oneself…”   – St. Thérèse of Lisieux, 1873-1897

It occurred to me lately that I needed to slow down.  The previous year was quite exhausting and I intended to take this year to hermit in – be introverted, even.  In the beginning, when the intention was fresh in my psyche, I was able to make time for my ordinary life.  Take good care of and appreciate the mundanity.  When summer came, the pace picked up.  My ambition, which I thought I had abandoned for a more peaceful and present life slid into my DMs.  He’s that ex that would come around just when I got my life together.  He made me feel special with the grandest aspirations and swept me off my feet.   The promise of greater purpose and meaning was thrilling, which made the grind, the late nights, and burn-outs so worth it.  We were going places together.  But when it came time to figure out our status, ask for a commitment, he would leave me with all the laundry and dishes to do by myself.   Ambition would string me along, always keeping me unsatisfied.  

I hear so often, “life is short.”  Is it?  Or are we moving too fast?  Because when I sit still, when I take a break, the boredom of ordinary life rolls in like molasses.  Slowly at first then picks up speed, threatening to stifle anything remarkable about myself.  I’m quick to get on my phone and scroll the eternity of boredom away.  Sometimes, I’ll even book an exotic trip.  No, the routine of daily life is way too slow and the boredom too scary.  My life needed action and excitement to be significant. 

Even in my meditations, I’m trying to get some place.  But where?  Enlightenment?  I heard that’s the best party in town.  The Coachella of mystical experiences.  Asking my guides to put me on the guest list.  Consorting with the tarot deck to show me the way, because I swear I was promised a life of importance.  But now I ask, what does it mean to be important?  Like Elon Musk? Or like Ghandi?  Maybe a Beyoncé?  How about a Jesus?  What am I actually striving for?  Where am I actually going on this “path?” 

I recently traveled all the way out to Alaska.  “To find myself,” and to behold the mountains, and the water.  I wanted to get a whiff of that wilderness.  It was sometimes sweet, sometimes earthy and at other times, like dead fish.  I couldn’t regard Alaska’s majesty by taking pictures, I couldn’t even touch it even though I was right there.  The only way I was able to perceive its magic was by being still.  Only then did the water lined mountains impart their wisdom.  “Mountain is mountain, water is water,” they said.  I wept…I don’t want to be forgotten.  I don’t want to be a “nothing.”  I wanted to carve out “I was here” on a tree.  But I know it wouldn’t change a thing.   How can simple living be enough?

I sobbed and sobbed, when suddenly, I was embraced by this deep gratitude for life.  A nothing seems more likely, and much bigger than a something.  And yet, I am here with thoughts, relations, desires and aversions, history and aspirations.  Even though all I have ever known is being alive, it exists in the backdrop of infinite nothingness.  I had been so afraid of that emptiness but now it comforts me.  The stillness inside feels precious.  I’m reminded that an ordinary life, lived well, is sacred.

Blog post written by Mia Velez

September 2023